Warning: My mind is a scattered mess today and this is a long post about way to many things.
One of the blogs that I frequent http://ivflandonsurrogacyworld.blogspot.com/ had a link on it today to another blog. http://babygiddings.blogspot.com/2008/08/blogging-on-surrogacy-rollercoaster.html (could someone teach me how to link to blogs a better way? My technical skills are lacking).
I very much enjoyed reading this blog ("Our Surrogacy Adventure"). She is so revealing in her posts. It is very good to find another Intended Mother (IM) out there in blog land.
Sometimes as an IM I feel a little alone. I have a good friend who is also an IM via Traditional Surrogacy (TS) and we share everything. The highs and the super lows. But besides for my husband and my friend this has been a lonely process. I can't just tell a regular old girlfriend about my thoughts or feelings because they don't really 'get it'. And to be quite honest I have often felt like an odd ball in the surrogacy world. I know that I am not the normal IM. I have four children that I gave birth to myself.
Sometimes I feel less deserving than the IM's who have never had a child. I feel like I don't really belong. I feel ashamed that I would even pursue surrogacy and want another child. I offset those feelings with reminding myself that my husband has never had a child and that I am doing this for him. But to be quite honest, I am not just doing this for him. I want another child. I want to raise a child with Joe. Sure we could have a fine life without adding a baby to it but I want more. I want it all. And with the help of our surrogate J we can have it all. For a price.
I'm not just talking about a monetary price. Yes, there is that, but there is more to it. We will forever be linked with J. We have invited a third person (and her husband and child) into our life. Our families are forever linked. Joe and I have an obligation to J and her daughter and even her husband to keep that link up forever. Most of the time I don't mind that obligation but sometimes it overwhelms me. I like J very much. I believe that she and I would be friends even if we were not doing this surrogacy thing (in fact, we were friends before we became IM/SM) but to know that no matter what happens that someone is going to be in your life forever it is a hard thing some days. And not for any reason in particular. In some ways I feel like my relationship with J is sort of like my marriage but maybe even more binding in a different way. J has offered me something that most people can't imagine. She has offered me the ability to have another child through her. This child will be her flesh and blood. Her daughter's brother. J and I will forever be connected by this. In a way she is my Sister-Mommy (if you have seen Big Love and heard of Sister-Wives you might get my meaning) we are on a mission together to make this baby.
I don't usually share my feelings on surrogacy with people because I am afraid that I will be viewed as a whack job (but I figure this is a safe place since I'm pretty sure that I only have one reader of my blog anyway and she met me live and in person so she already got a hint at my wackiness). I know that it is more popular to call J an Angel and say all the right things.
But I can't. I know that there will be times when I just want our baby all to myself. When I don't want to have to share him at all with J. When I don't want to think about how I couldn't do this without her. I know myself and I know that there will be times when J will do or say something that will piss me off. There may even be times when I want a 'divorce' from our relationship. But you know what? That is the way it is in relationships. My real life sisters piss me off sometimes but they are still my sisters. My husband he really pushes my buttons but I get over it. J will also irritate me at times (as I'm sure I will and probably do her). Put two strong willed women together and there are bound to be clashes occasionally (especially when both women speak their mind). Truthfully, we have yet to have any real clashes (yes, I did just knock on wood) and I would like to think that the rest of our relationship will also be sunshine and roses. But who are we kidding? lol. This is real life. There will be peaks and valleys. There will be ups and downs. There will be give and take. There will be... okay, you get the drift. I like to believe that the way we are doing this will pay off in the end. That our (and when I say our I mean the collective "our" of Joe, me and J) child will grow up to be happy, healthy and adjusted. That he will always know just how many people love him.
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Smiley B!
14 years ago
5 comments:
you are no less deserving of a child b/c you already have children. wanting a child with your husband is a natural human feeling, and you should be able to have that.
this process is lonely, but you are not alone. hopefully by sharing our experiences more women will feel they can share.
wanting to have your son all to yourself is also natural. you will work out your relationship and have many moments to yourself. you will work out that part of the relationship just as you have the pregnancy part.
First off - when you want to add a link to your post - type in the name that you want to use.
Highlight the name.
Then above the area where you time, near the button to make a word bold is a picture of a link, kind of link a chain link fence.
Click on that picture and it will ask you to put in the web address.
That's it your down and now the word you highlighted will be a ling to the website.
In other news, I am going to keep working on the http://ipsexpectmiracles.blogspot.com/ the whole idea is to keep finding more people that are blogging about Surrogacy.
I think that the blog format adds a whole extra layer that the message boards don't have since you can tell your story over time.
I think that sure it is a struggle that we go through to have an additional child, but in the end it's only time and money that we are spending to build a family.
Ivf Land,
Thanks for the info on linking. I'm still a little fuzzy on it but I'll try it next time.
I agree that the blog format is definitely different than a message board. On a message board we only see bits and pieces of a person. In a blog we tend to see many layers. And for me personally, I am 'braver' on my blog (and even commenting on your blog) than I am on a message board. It feels safer to me.
Jaymee,
Thanks for your kind words.
I too hope that by sharing our stories that it will help others. My hope is that by sharing my thoughts and fears others will know that even in a great surrogacy relationship that those things can exist. It doesn't mean that there is a problem with the relationship just that this is 'real life'.
Ok, so you were right, I had missed this post. But I still don't see it as selfish, I find the honesty about your feelings the key in making any relationship work. I tend to think of my bond with my 'surro family' more like a family bond than a husband bond. Your family is there always and you have to learn to deal with them. You don't have to be perfect every day, you don't see them that often. You have to be aware of how what you are doing is affecting them, but it's different than a spouse. With a spouse you have a daily requirement to work things out and get along.
Now as for you being selfish because YOU want more children: you are not alone. The hardest part is finding a surro who doesn't mind, and that's really not as hard as some think. My IP's have 2 year olds from surrogacy. Should they just be content with the 2 they have when her dream had always been 5? Absolutely not. This is your life! Nobody gets to tell you how many children is right for you! This is the whole reason I did not get my tubes tied and made my DH get a vas. I knew that if something ever happened to my DH and I was lucky enough to find someone new to love, I would ABSOLUTELY want to have a baby with him. Just because I have the ability makes me no more deserving of this.
I don't know J personally, but I would imagine that working out the relationship after the birth will be a whole lot easier than you think. I'm fairly certain she doesn't want any more from your son than your own sister does.
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